Mephisto & Pheles

radio play on a Faustian theme
by

Voyen Koreis

with the music by

Charles Gounod
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Cast:

Mephisto
Pheles
Faust
Wagner
Meg
various telephone voices----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WALTZ from the 2nd act of FAUST

(music fades out after approx. a minute)
Mephisto: Wonderful music. Gounod, Faust. It’s full of lovely melodies, just listen to this one:

Valentine’s motive from the Introduction

(The music stays on for about half a minute, the volume is then decreased, so that it is just
audible)

Mephisto: This tune bores right into the core of my being, to touch the poet who dwells there, and who
now speaks to you.
Unfortunately, like many, the author of this libretto has got it all wrong. For instance, he gives
this song to a character named Valentine. But there was no Valentine in the story. I should
know, I’m in it, I’m the villain, the original tempter. In like manner, there is another male
character in the opera, named Wagner. Yet, Wagner was a woman! Otherwise, believe me, I
would have noticed... What about the others? There is Faust, of course, Marguerite, though her
orientation is somewhat different, and my not insignificant self. In fact, there are two of us, the
aforementioned poet and the rationalist.
Perplexed, perhaps? Never mind, I’m going to retell the whole story now. I have to, anyway.
The music? Too good to leave it out, we’ll listen to it as we go.

(the music ends, the phone rings)
Mephisto speaking! ...
Telephone: Mephisto, I have a job for you.
Mephisto: Yes, your Inferiority?
Telephone: Do you remember the case of doctor Faust?
Mephisto: Only faintly, your Inferiority.
Telephone: Refresh your memory. Apparently, someone must have bungled it badly about four centuries
ago and we must try to undo the damage it’s done to our reputation. We simply have got to get
it right this time and I’ll rely on you.
Mephisto: Yes, sir. I'll see to it at once, sir.
Telephone: Report to me, when there is some progress, will you?
Mephisto: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Phhh! That was close. I thought that he would have remembered, who was involved in that
bungled case. Well... This calls for the rationalist. Where is he? Probably playing with his
computer.
(calls out) Pheles!
(A swishing sound of instant arrival)
Pheles: Yes, Mephisto.
Mephisto: Pheles, we are on a case.
Pheles: Oh, great! I was getting so wonderfully bored.
Mephisto: The Faust affair, do you remember it?
Pheles: Naturally. Faust’s been famous for centuries.
Mephisto: To improve the spoiled image of our institution, in his wisdom, his Inferiority has given us the
task of reworking the case. He expects, that this time we come on top. How would you go
about it?
Pheles: Well, let’s have a look first what the encyclopaedia has to say. Just a sec, I’ll turn on my laptop
computer.
(a beep of computer being turned on)
Now, If we can find the root of the case, we could change the course of events and turn them
into our favour.
Mephisto: But how could you undo what has already been done?
Pheles: Simply. We’ll enter one of the parallel worlds, go back in time and start from the beginning.
Now, if we could alter the causal side of events, the repercussions will be felt in other parallel
worlds and, gradually, a different chain of events will form.
Mephisto: I see. What does your computer say?
Pheles: It’s coming on. Faust. Here it is...
Faust, Faustus, or Johann Faust, flourished 16th century, learned German doctor who
performed magic and died mysteriously. According to legend he sold his soul to the devil in
exchange for youth, knowledge, and magical power. Literary treatments of the story include
the Volksbuch of Johannes Spies, 1587, Christopher Marlowe's Dr. Faustus, 1593, Goethe's
masterpiece Faust, 1808, 1833 ...
Mephisto: Stop. It says Goethe’s masterpiece. Look up Goethe, Faust.
Pheles: Faust by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. Goethe’s drama of dissatisfaction, seduction, and
infanticide is rooted in German legend, in the academic turmoil of his student days...
Mephisto: That’s enough, I think I’ve got it. We’ll use psychology.
Pheles: That’s your domain. I’ll listen.
Mephisto: Faust wants youth and magical power. He signs up and gets it. Goethe later writes a famous
story about it. Note, that without this, Faust would have never become a celebrity.
Pheles: So what do we do?
Mephisto: It’s simple. We’ll play on Faust’s egotism, his vanity.
Pheles: I see. We could start by planting a parchment in his papers, making it appear to be an ancient
prophecy about his imminent rise to the realm of the immortal.
Mephisto: Are you sure that he would swallow the bait?
Pheles: Of course that he will! Mortals are most vulnerable in their egotistic tendencies and their greed.
I’ll go and see that it is done promptly and properly.
Mephisto: What should I do?
Pheles: Don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of work later. Meanwhile, you could treat the audience and
give them the taste of our sinister personality!

Mephisto’s aria

(sound of lists of paper being turned over)
Faust: This is interesting, it looks like some old prophecy. And what’s more, it appears to be about
me! (reads) Doctor Johann Faust through Johann Wolfgang von Goethe will become a figure
of classical literature ... that's interesting, flattering, really ... But that’s what’s written here. But
it looks incomplete ...
(a knock on the door)
... Oh, could that be this Goethe they’re referring to? Perhaps to facilitate my entry into the
literature? Please, do come in!
Wagner: Good morning, doc.
Faust: Herr Doctor, Herr Doctor, how many times do I have to tell you? Anyway, what's going on,
Wagner?
Wagner: What?
Faust: Where is Goethe?
Wagner: What does it look like? I may have thrown it out with the rubbish this morning.
Faust: Look, you Wagner woman, to throw out such a gentleman ... I'm ... I'm going to strangle you...
Wagner: You say a gentleman? No, there was no gentleman here.
Faust: What is it you have in hand?
Wagner: Just a scrap of old paper. I was going to throw it out.
Faust: Never throw any papers out! Do you understand?
Wagner: Yes, doc.
Faust: Doctor. Or sir.
Wagner: Do you want this paper, doctor or sir?
Faust: Give it to me.
(unfolding a piece of paper)
Heavens! It looks like the missing part of the prophecy!
( reads)
Doctor Faust’s entry into the world literature, however, is conditioned by his having a
problem, preferably one of a persistent nature. Without a tenacious problem, Faust’s entry into
the literature would not be possible. It is therefore in Faust’s interest to secure the above
mentioned problem. The matter is urgent, blah, blah, blah...
That's nice. A problem. Where should I get it, on such a short notice?
Wagner: Oh, come on, doc, there are problems everywhere! For instance, I have a...
Faust: Look, Wagner, I'm not interested in your problems and didn't I ask you to refer to me as
doctor or sir? Your problems are of no use to me or to the classical literature. They would
make me look uninspired, if not downright idiotic. What I need is a problem of world
magnitude... a genuine literary problem...
Wagner: Hey, doc, there is this minstrel who comes to the markets and his songs are always full of
problems. A knight falls in love with a dame...
Faust: Stop. And don’t you dare to start singing, I’m allergic to singing. The old fashioned problems
that anyone could pick up at the markets are of no use to me either. This calls for something
quite extraordinary!
Wagner: You've got a problem, doc.
Faust: Sir. Look, Wagner. When this Goethe ... Mr. Goethe... when Herr Doctor von Goethe comes,
you just greet him nicely and then you must detain him.
Wagner: You mean that I should enter into conservation with him?
Faust: A conversation. I wonder ... perhaps it might be better if you don't talk to him at all.
Wagner: Could I sing to him? Perhaps some madrigal... (about to sing)
Faust: No! Talk to him. Tell him that we have a quarantine or something, anything, just detain him
somehow, so that I can go and get that problem and then: Lo! We'll go into the literature!
Wagner: Really? We'll go into the literature? And what should I wear?
Faust: Nothing, Wagner, you nothing.
Wagner: Should I go naked, you mean?
Faust: Don't be silly, girl, don't be silly. You and the literature! When you are a bit older, I might let
you read some pages from Boccaccio or Chaucer, as a timely warning about the dangers that
lurk on its shadowy grounds, waiting to pounce on an innocent young girl.
I wonder, this von Goethe, would he write some juicy bits about me too? To help to sell the
book...
Wagner: When is this mister Vongoethe supposed to come, doc?
Faust: (takes in breath, but only sighs in resignation) Well, when, the devil knows, in an hour,
perhaps, maybe tonight, in the morning, next year...
Wagner: And I've not yet made up the bed!
Faust: She has not made up the bed! She has made up her bed. Her bed of roses. A poor orphan she
was, abandoned, in an orphanage. I have adopted her. I have looked after her, I have protected
her. Alas! What do I get? She calls me doc! She's my ...
Wagner: Problem?
Faust: The problem... Yes, the problem, I must see about that. Where is my formula? Wagner, have
you seen my formula? And don't tell me that you've thrown it out with the rubbish!
Wagner: Is this it? I was about to throw it out, but something just told me that it might be important.
Faust: Oh, God! My formula! The fruit of many years of toil. And you were about to throw it away.
Oh, Heavens!!
(a knock on the door)
Faust: Who is it?
Mephisto: It is I.
Wagner: Oh yeah ... that must be this Hervongoethe!
Faust: Probably. Wagner, just don't panic, look, I'm not home, go, go, open up, tell him that you have
a quarantine, no, that I have a quarantine, no, I'm off...
Mephisto: Why such a rush?
Faust: Ah! Herr von Goethe! How did you get in? Never mind ... welcome, welcome sir, to my
humble household.
Mephisto: Sorry, but Herr von Goethe I am not.
Faust: Who are you, then? Is something burning? (calls) Wagner, are you cooking?
Mephisto: Sorry. An occupational hazard. Mephisto is my name.
Faust: What sort of business are you in?
Mephisto: Our business is in fire.
Faust: Are you selling firecrackers or something?
Mephisto: You misunderstand me, doctor. It's an eternal fire.
Faust: And you don’t' get burned?
Mephisto: Me? Never! Look, Herr Doctor. Asbestos! 80% asbestos. One of the best inventions that has
ever come out off our laboratories. In future it will be even more useful, it will pollute the
Earth and cause cancer, meanwhile it makes all of us totally fire-resistant.
Faust: Heavens! Oh, by the way, I was about to make contact with the heavens, when you came. But
you are not the Heavens, it appears, or are you?
Mephisto: No, not at all, though basically we are in the same line of business. At the opposite poles,
naturally. In a way, we complement each other.
Faust: But I was trying to call the Heavens!
Mephisto: How would you do it?
Faust: With this formula, naturally.
Mephisto: Could you show it to me, please?
Oh! Just as I suspected. It's outdated. Inferior, in fact. That's why His Inferiority has
appropriated it, to put it in use on some of our sectors.
Faust: My formula is inferior, you say?
Mephisto: Unfortunately, sir. It certainly won’t lead you to that destination. But you have nothing to regret, sir. Our
company is better. It’s more progressive, more reliable. We use scientific methods, modern
equipment. Our chief aims are miracles too, but principally in the field of economy. We can
provide the best references, we guarantee absolute discretion, without any obligation. We serve
a clear wine to our customers. Such as this.
Faust: That’s a nice looking bottle.
Mephisto: Why not try its contents?
(sound of glasses being filled up)
And with it a little preview of the pleasures that may await you.

Mephisto & Choir

(the singing choir is faded after approx. 2 minutes)

(ringing of glasses)
Mephisto: To your health!
Faust: Cheers. Uhm! It’ heavenly!
Mephisto: Hardly. But it’s clear, non-corruptible. Distilled from the corrupt politicians. And judges. And
captains of industry.
Faust: Phooey!
Mephisto: They all used to drink only the best available, I can assure you. But let's get to the point, Herr
Doctor. You need a problem, an exemplary problem. And we can provide that.
Faust: Aha, here it comes. You want my soul. To hell with you.
Mephisto: Your soul ... ha, ha, ha. You, Herr Doctor, such an educated man, with several degrees. And
you still believe in human souls?
Faust: Well, yes, I'm not sure, no, perhaps I don't ... but .. still ... to lose one, just like this, do you
understand?
Mephisto: What's in a soul, if you don't even believe that you have one? Just sign here that you agree
with the placement of your character, we'll file it on our computer...
Faust: ... marked: destined to rot in Hell.
Mephisto: The destination of our characters is of no concern to us. Distillation, perhaps. Certainly, no
rotting. Look, you are destined to become famous, immortal in fact, and the placement of your
character is only of a secondary...
Wagner: Good evening, Mr Vongoethe, good evening - I have a quarantine ...
Mephisto: And I've not been immunised!
Wagner: I only wanted...
Faust: Wagner!
Wagner: I just thought that I should ... what was it you've told me, doc, that I should tell him...
Faust: Out! Wagner! - Out!
(the door is slammed)
That's just like her. I'm sure she’s been listening at the door and now she's telling some fibs
about quarantine. There is a real sinner for you! Yes, what a wonderful idea, you can have
Wagner, in exchange for the problem.
Mephisto: Really? An interesting proposition. Well, let's have a look at her. Pheles!
(the sound of instant arrival)
Oh, here you are. Have you got your laptop with you?
Faust: Who’s he? And how did he get here?
Mephisto: Oh, sorry, I forgot to introduce you. This is Pheles, my partner and a computer whiz.
Faust: You mean a wizard?
Mephisto: I wouldn’t call him that. He’s a rationalist and computer expert.
Faust: Computer... What is it?
Pheles: A sort of device for fast computing and storage of data.
Faust: Something like an abacus?
Pheles: Well, yes, only much more advanced.
Faust: What do you do with it?
Mephisto: Not much. Most of the time he plays games.
Faust: What sort of games?
Pheles: Computer games.
Mephisto: That’s another of our inventions. It's taken, or rather it will take, the world like a storm.
Faust: Like the card games, that our magistrate has just outlawed?
Mephisto: Yes, like the card games. Only, ha, ha, this is even more addictive!
Faust: Does he play with you?
Mephisto: No, with his computer.
Faust: Has it got another devil hidden in it?
Mephisto: No. Just its modern equivalent. Microsoft. Phel, show Herr Doctor, what your computer can do.
Look up Wagner.
Pheles: Right ho, Meph! You said Wagner, did you? W... w... w... Wagner, Alice. Oh, nice...
Faust: Not Alice...
Pheles: Wagner, Barbara. Even better... a part-time prostitute...
Faust: This one's a full-time housekeeper.
Pheles: Let's have a look at housekeepers. Alta Vista, housekeepers ... Wagner ... Wagner! Cynthia.
Housekeeper and part-time prostitute. She steels, too.
Faust: She steels all right, but she's not a prostitute. Although ... Look up Wagner. Simply Wagner!
Pheles: Sorry. We have no record.
Mephisto: (whispers to Pheles) Nice work, Pheles.
(aloud) I regret to have to inform you, Her Doctor, that there's nothing joyful about your
Wagner.
Faust: I'm afraid, Mr Mephisto, that you are wrong. Compared to other girls, Wagner...
Mephisto: Splendid! Compared to other girls, you've just said it.
Pheles: How about comparing your Wagner with a girl of contemporary times, that is of the late
twentieth century?
Faust: Well, why?
Mephisto: With a problematic female person - and you have your problem.
Faust: I see. But, what's involved?
Pheles: He pretends, that he doesn't know. Just sign here, Her Doctor, and...
Faust: I'm not signing anything.
Mephisto: So be it. If you don't sign, dozen others will. They'll be glad to have something, that you won't
have.
Faust: What is it?
Mephisto: Immortality. Doctor Faust cannot become an immortal character, without a burning problem.
You're not a Mickey Mouse, sir. You have to satisfy your sophisticated audience. And what it
will demand of you, this I can easily arrange. After all ...
(a sound of rolling thunder)
I am the Devil!
Faust: Shhh! You'll wake up the neighbourhood. How did you do it?
Pheles: Ha! Carlos, our sound technician, can do anything. Hey, Carlos, show us your wares!
(an absurd mixture of sounds of the technician’s choice follows)
Faust: This is amazing!
Pheles: Routine stuff. If we called in our pyrotechnic expert with his flares and laser displays, that’s when you’d be
really gazing.
Faust: To hell with your flares!
Mephisto: To hell, Herr Doctor, to hell. Your signature here and the Hell is at your service.
Faust: What's this?
Pheles: A biro.
Faust: What is it for?
Mephisto: It’s for writing. Your name, for instance.
Faust: Are you serious? How could I write with this?
Pheles: Dead serious. Just try it out. You can start by writing your name, on this insignificant piece of
paper.
Faust: You’re pulling my leg.
Mephisto: We wouldn't dare, Herr Doctor, to subject you to any practical jokes. After all, you are
Somebody. Or will be, if you sign. The whole world will lay at your feet.
Faust: Really?! Where is the inkpot?
Pheles: No need for any. It has a refill, supplied by the blood bank.
Faust: No, I'm not signing. Someone might see it, there'd be a gossip...
Mephisto: Well, you don't need our assistance. Never mind, the next time I'll see Herr von Goethe...
Faust: Wait! An absolute discretion...
Pheles: Is guaranteed. Don't smudge it.
Faust: I am the one who is smudged. It is the ultimate sacrifice on my part. But I'll do it, if only for
my fellow human beings.
(sound of pen writing on the paper)
OK. Here is your contract. Now, the problem, please!
Pheles: Yes, the problem. There was a talk about comparing your Wagner with a female person of the
late twentieth century.
Faust: But some female person, that can't be...
Mephisto: On the contrary. The twentieth century female person is a problem and a very significant one,
as you'll no doubt find out in case of our Marguerite. Oh, before I forget, this is yours.
Faust: What is it?
Mephisto: It's your bonus for signing up with us. A digital mobile phone.
Faust: What does it do?
Pheles: It's the latest in communications. It has replaced all the old fashioned formulae.
Faust: You mean, one can call the Hell with this?
Pheles: Precisely. If you have any wish, all you need to do is pull out this antenna, punch the devil’s
number 666,
(three beeps of the phone)
then hold this end to your mouth to talk and the other end to your ear to listen, like this.
Mephisto: Our receptionists are waiting for your calls.
Wagner: (appears suddenly) Any wish, really? Oh, doc, that’s...
Faust: Wagner! What are you doing here again?
Mephisto: Any wish at all. Pheles, why don’t you go and fetch Marguerite?
Pheles: Why not? Should I go with a bang?
Mephisto: Just a little one. We don’t want to wake up the whole district.
Pheles: So long!
(he goes with a little thunder)
Mephisto: Well. Herr Doctor, your Marguerite will be here soon. I won’t be needed, so I too shall
perform my disappearing act. I’ll do it quietly. Adieu, Herr Doctor.
Faust: He disappeared! Did you see it, Wagner? He just vanished into the thin air.
Wagner: I just saw him putting his mantle onto the coat hanger and walking away.
Faust: Wagner, Wagner! Do you always have to spoil everything? And did you make up the bed? We
are going to have a visitor.
Wagner: A visitor?
Faust: You’ve heard, surely, from behind the door. A female person, as I understand.
Wagner: Where does she come from?
Faust: From the twentieth century.
Wagner: Really? What does she want here?
Faust: I want her here. She's going to be my problem. You already are my problem. Now I'm going to
compare the problem of her with the problem of you and my problem of not having a problem
will no longer be a problem.
Wagner: (with suspicion) What does it have to do with the bed?
Faust: Never mind. Just shut your mouth and tidy up the place.
Wagner: It’s a nice coat, he’s left behind here. But doesn’t it reek of sulphur! I’m going to do the
washing in the morning, I might throw it in and have it cleaned for him. Hey! Look! There’s
someone underneath it! A woman!
Faust: A woman? That must be her! My problem.
Meg: Hello.
Wagner: Go away, you...
Faust: Wagner! Be nice to her, will you? This is Marguerite.
Meg: Call me Meg. What’s happened? Where am I? Why, what furniture, is this some heritage
property? And who are you?
Faust: Don’t worry, you are with friends. Doctor Faust is my name.
Meg: Oh! The Doctor Faust? No kidding?
Wagner: As if there were more than one.
Faust: The Doctor Faust, my dear.
Wagner: Now he calls her "my dear"!
Meg: This gall's right, you know. I don't like it at all when I'm being treated with undue familiarity, I
want to make this quite clear. But how did I get here?
Faust: I have just signed my soul to the devil to get you here, can't I at least call you "my dear"?
Wagner: Oh, have you done that, doc? And for this girl ... a female person?
Meg: Now, this sounds crazy, but there was a doctor Faust, and as far as I know, he was supposed
to have sold his soul to the devil. But that would have been a long time ago, the fifteenth or
sixteenth century, I think.
Faust: I am this doctor Faust, and this is the sixteenth century.
Wagner: And female persons that appear from under mantles out of nowhere, in our times are called
"witches", and as such are burnt at the stake.
Meg: Is this true?
Faust: About burning the witches? Yes, it is, mostly.
Meg: And about this being the sixteenth century?
Faust: Of course. But you have nothing to worry about, Meg, I'm going to protect you.
Meg: Take your hand away from me! The fact that you've signed a pact with the devil doesn’t give
you the right to patronise me.
Faust: (to himself) I see, she's going to play a hard to get. She probably wants me to sweet-talk her
about love, about marriage.
Meg: (to herself) I'm sure that he's going to sweet-talk me about love, about getting married. And I'll
have to put up with this moron's advances, because somehow I've got stuck here in this stupid
sixteenth century and might otherwise get burnt as a witch.
(in a worried tone of voice)
About this burning of witches...
Wagner: Oh, you look so scared! I didn’t mean to frighten you this much, when I’ve mentioned it.
Meg: So it doesn’t happen?
Wagner: It does, but it’s not so simple. First, someone would have to denounce you, then you would
have to be tortured and only after you have confessed, then you would be burned.
Meg: And would you denounce me? I haven’t done anything wrong, I was just somehow transferred
to here, in fact, I’m being held here against my will.
Wagner: Don’t worry, I wouldn’t denounce you, and I’m sure that the doc wouldn’t do it either.
Meg: (to herself) This girl looks OK. She’s young and pretty, much too young, for this jerk. I should
find out more about her.
(aloud) You know what? You’re quite a nice person. You two, the doctor and you, are you
married?
Wagner: What gave you that idea?
Meg: Then you must be living in a de-facto relationship.
Wagner: What do you mean by that?
Meg: Like a married couple, but without actually being married.
Wagner: God forbid, no! That would be sinful, wouldn’t it? I’m just keeping the house for the doc.
Meg: (to herself) Aha, just as I thought, he’s exactly what he appears to be, a regular sugar daddy.
(aloud) Does he give you any money?
Wagner: No. Why? I have everything I need here.
Meg: In other words, you’re being exploited.
Wagner: Exploited?
Meg: Taken advantage of. I think that this calls for some education. Why don’t you make us a cup
of coffee or something chronologically appropriate, while we two are going to have a chat?
Wagner: You must be tired, after such a long journey. Come, I’ll warm you some goat milk.
Faust: And they’ve gone... What should I do? I feel that I’m falling in love! Customarily this would
call for a sparkling aria, perhaps about the emotions that now fill this humble dwelling. If only
I didn’t hate singing so much! Well, maybe this time, only once, and in French...

Aria - Salute de mere chaste pure

Faust: Well, that wasn’t so bad after all, was it? Especially that high ‘C’ near the end.
The two of them together. Probably talking about me. To hell with them! Oh, that reminds me.
The Hell. I can talk to them, Mephisto gave me this thing, what did he call it, a mobile phone?
Let's see. Here it is. 666.
(dials the number, gets the answer)
Telephone: You have reached The Hell Incorporated, Customers Service. Unfortunately, all our service
personnel are busy at the moment, please hold the line, as soon as an operator becomes
available, your call will be answered.
(the telephone switches to music - the dance music from Faust)
Faust: What the hell is this?
(after a while, a different voice answers)
Telephone: Customer’s Service, Belinda speaking, how can I help you?
Faust: Hallo! Hallo! This is doctor Faust. Yes, could you please get me Mr. Mephisto?
Telephone: Certainly, sir, please wait while I’ll transfer your call.
(the music comes back for a while)
Mephisto: (telephone voice) Mephisto speaking.
Faust: Ah, it’s you. I need some help.
(sound of instant arrival)
Mephisto: (in a normal voice) What is your problem, Her Doctor?
Faust: Oh, you are here! How did you manage to hop from there to here so quickly?
Mephisto: We hop to the tunes of our ever satisfied customers.
Faust: Will you satisfy me?
Mephisto: At you service.
Faust: This isn't going to be easy. It's a question of moral responsibility. You've send me Meg and ...
Mephisto: She's causing problems.
Faust: Well, Wagner is. She appears to distract Meg, somehow.
Mephisto: That's part and parcel of the whole deal, Her Doctor. Some modern women get easily
distracted by other women. You needed a problem, here it is.
Faust: Not this kind of a problem.
Mephisto: What do you want us to do?
Faust: Could you send her to Hell?
Mephisto: Meg?
Faust: No, Wagner. I think I can straighten up Meg.
Mephisto: The daring Doctor Faust! But I can't take Wagner with me. She has no record.
Faust: Make it up! It can't be too difficult. She's immoral and she masks it by pretending morality.
Like - singing those madrigals. You hear her and what would you say to yourself?
Mephisto: I'd say to myself: Hark! Wagner is singing a madrigal.
Faust: And what else would you say?
Mephisto: I'd say: Let's listen to her.
Faust: And...
Mephisto: That's all.
Faust: That's just like you. When I hear Wagner singing, it's worse than if she were swearing.
Mephisto: Really?
Faust: That's it. Where I would say ... that is ... when others would use some ... you know ... perhaps
a four letter word, she just wouldn't. She'd provocatively start singing.
Mephisto: Unbelievable. But there is nothing wrong with singing, and even swearing is not a punishable
offence any more. It wouldn’t indeed earn you a term in the Purgatory. Provided of course,
that you stick with the gender neutral terms. As for the four letter words, they have become
acceptable, nay, desirable.
Faust: Even for ladies?
Mephisto: Especially for ladies.
Faust: And for gentlemen?
Mephisto: If you didn't use them, you'd look like a wimp.
Faust: No shit? All right. Wagner. So you are not going to take her?
Mephisto: No. It's impossible, we have no legal rights to do it, and if we are to maintain our integrity...
Faust: Legal rights. Integrity. Phe!
Mephisto: Listen. There just might be a way around it. Perhaps we could create the conditions for
acquiring such rights.
Faust: Now you're talking! Go on, be creative ... and ...
Mephisto: Anything else?
Faust: Well, perhaps it could be so arranged that I and Meg, that we go and happen to trip and fall
and the lights would go out, I would pronounce a four letter word or two, to make a suitable
impression on her, and ... you understand...
Mephisto: No! Meg is your problem.
Faust: All right, all right. But about Wagner, we are in an agreement, aren't we?
Mephisto: Yes, we are. I’ll invite Pheles and together we should be able to design some diabolical
scheme.

The Flower Song

(the following dialogue starts after a few seconds, the volume of music is turned down while
they speak)
Mephisto: I don’t know what is the matter with Faust, if he can’t stand Wagner’s vocalising.
Pheles: Musically, I may be as deaf as a door nail, but even I can appreciate it. Here she is, sweeping
the floor and singing about flowers, like a nightingale. Even her French is nothing short of
perfection. Now, how about a little temptation, to send her down the road of depravity?
Mephisto: What do you suggest that we should do?
Pheles: For starters, something very basic, nevertheless irritating to an industrious floor sweeper. See?
I’m conjuring up some more litter on the floor, right behind her broom. Let’s wait for the
reaction.
(music stops)
Wagner: Oh, shivers, pardon me my French, but I’m such an untidy person, if only my dear benefactor
saw this! I must apply myself with more diligence, if ever I am to repay him for all the
goodness of his heart!
(the same music comes back, in lower volume when they speak)
Mephisto: Hmmm. That wasn’t very successful, was it?
Pheles: Just a warm up exercise. Let’s try to go up a notch harder. In my experience, most people
succumb to materialistic temptations. A few glittering coins, strategically placed on the floor,
looking abandoned, just waiting to be illegally appropriated, this should see her teeter on the
very edge of abyss.
(music stops)
Wagner: Oh, here is some money! Doc ... the doctor must have lost it here, I must pick it up and give it
back to him.
(music comes back)
Mephisto: It doesn’t look as though we are getting very far, does it?
Pheles: This wench is going to be a hard nut to crack, I can see that. I’m afraid that my rationalistic
tendencies severely limit my field of competence. I think that you, the lyric, should now take
over on the assignment. You must turn on the full charm of your otherwise menacing self!
Mephisto: That shouldn’t be too difficult. See, how gorgeous she is! How lithe, smooth and elegant, just
look at the grace of the movements of her broom!
Pheles: That’s the right attitude, my friend. Go on, seduce our pretty, little, innocent broom handler.
Good luck!
Mephisto: You should never say that to any performing artist.
Pheles: Sorry. Break a leg!
Mephisto: (waits till Wagner ends the song)
Ehm ... ehm!
Wagner: Uhh! Who's that? You've really scared me. What are you doing here?
Mephisto: I've come to entice you.
Wagner: I'll call the police!
Mephisto: No use. We have amalgamated a long time ago.
Wagner: (begins to mumble the Lord's Prayer)
Pater Noster, qui es in caelis,
adveniat Regnum Tuum,
fiat volúntas tua, sicut in caelo et in terra.
Panem nostrum cotidiánum da nobis hódie,
et dimitte nobis débita nostra,
sicut et nos dimittímus debitóribus nostris.....

Mephisto: (to himself) Oh, she’s so devilishly beautiful, even when she’s praying..!
(aloud) Stop it!! Doctor Faust has sent me.
Wagner: (stops praying) With the money? He's never paid me before, but he’s such a good man and he
must have felt that I was being exploited. Well, is there any more?
Mephisto: Look, Wagner, I've run out of all my peticash. I have come to ... to ... I have come to give you
the freedom, to show you the way.
Wagner: And where are we going? Only so that I can get dressed up properly.
Mephisto: It was meant metaphorically.
Wagner: Meta...
Mephisto: The way of Life. That's what I want to show you. The way of Nature. This is the time of
Spring...
Wagner: Are you making advances designed to lead to a de-facto relationship? Meg was warning me
about such things coming from male persons.
Mephisto: Just imagine that together we walk through a beautiful garden. Countless birds nestle in the
tree tops and add their songs to the buzz of busy insects, together they sound an overture to the
most joyful of seasons, when the virginal Nature turns on all her charms, while her warm
breath seems to gently caress us on our faces. All is in a state of excitement, of an anxious
expectation. The air too is full of Spring, with a mixture of fragrances from the flowering trees
and plants. Can you smell it?
Wagner: That cat must’ve been here again.
Mephisto: Can you sense it? Here? Give me your hand, can you feel the heart pounding? This is Spring,
Wagner. You are walking through the garden and, suddenly ... in front of you ... stands HE!
Wagner: The Doctor?
Mephisto: HE, with the capital "H".
Wagner: Herr Doctor?
Mephisto: Forget about the doctor. Just HE. The man of your dreams. What do you feel, here, in your
heart?
Wagner: What are you doing with that hand?
Mephisto: You must feel something. You have to. Even though you don't admit it.
Wagner: I don't know...
Mephisto: Throw away all your inhibitions and thrust yourself into the open arms of opportunity. Drink
from the cup that the Lady Nature has offered you, drink, and allow yourself be intoxicated...
Wagner: Oh, God, are you all right? I must run and get you some water.
Mephisto: (totally enraptured)
Yes, yes, it is you, my beloved Wagner! Let's go, let's run away from this silly Johnny Faust,
who can have everything in life, while I've always been sent to the devil. I loath you, Herr
Doctor, I hate you! I thirst, I thirst for...
Wagner: (a little out of breath)
Here, have some water.
Mephisto: I thirst for a revenge!
Wagner: Really? A revenge? But the revenge is...
Mephisto: Sweet! I'm going to sweeten this villain's life!
Wagner: Who's the villain? Never mind, just don't be spiteful. It's not at all nice. It's sinful, in fact.
Mephisto: Ha - ha - ha!
Wagner: People should love each other. They should always forgive each other.
Mephisto: Ha - ha - ha!
Wagner: It's only a temptation that's befallen you!
Mephisto: He - he - he.
Wagner: Sometimes it comes to me too. When it does, I go and chop the wood. The temptation goes
and we are left with plenty of firewood. Why don't you try it?
Mephisto: I can't. I'm not as perfect as you are.
Wagner: You must chase away the evil thoughts! You must overcome them. You must stand up and
face the devil that's in you!
Mephisto: Oh, she can perceive the devil in me! (to himself) Could it be that she might also find a tiny
dark nook somewhere in the corner of her big, warm, wonderful heart, to accommodate this
poor, hapless creature?! I'm so confused! All this is turning me upside down!
Wagner: Are you all right?
Mephisto: (sounding somewhat exerted)
Yes, I’m all right.
Wagner: So why are you standing on your head?
Mephisto: I’m trying to fight it! My dispositions towards evil, malice, hatred and vengeance. If I managed
to get rid of all that, would I be acceptable to you?
Wagner: Perhaps...
Mephisto: Be careful. It’s a risky business. You’d still be dealing with the Devil!

Mephisto's laughing aria

Wagner: Does singing help you?
Mephisto No, it doesn’t! I still feel as malevolent as ever. Where is it!?
Wagner: Where is what?
Mephisto: The axe, the wood, and the chopping block!
Wagner: In the yard. I'll show you.

Dance Music - Les Nubiennes

(music fades out after approx. 30 seconds)
Faust: These four letter words... No, they don’t sound right, not from my mouth. That must be why
Meg doesn’t seem to respond to me. Basically, I'm an old fashioned man. So, let's stick to the
old fashioned values. How would an old fashioned gentleman impress a lady of his desire? By
giving her some jewellery, naturally. Can I afford to buy any jewellery? I can’t, not on my
salary. What do I do? Ring 666, of course.
(three beeps as he rings)
Telephone: (a female voice) The Hell Incorporated, Customers Service, Daphne speaking, how can I help
you?
Faust: Could I speak to Mr. Mephisto, please?
Telephone: Yes, sir, I’m transferring your call.
Pheles: (telephone voice) Pheles speaking.
Faust: You are not Mephisto. You are the other fellow. I wanted to talk to Mephisto.
(sound of instant arrival)
Pheles: (in a normal voice) I'm standing in for Mephisto, sir, unfortunately he's been unavoidably
detained.
Faust: Detained by what?
Pheles: By chopping wood.
Faust: Chopping wood? Never mind, you will do. Could you get me some jewellery? Something tasty, exquisite,
ethereally beautiful, please.
Pheles: Certainly, Herr Doctor. What is it that you would wish to have, sir, sapphires, rubies,
diamonds..?
Faust: Diamonds for sure, though sapphires and rubies would not go astray either.
Pheles: As you wish, sir. Would you prefer them to be set in rings, bracelets, tiaras, or perhaps
necklaces?
Faust: What would you recommend?
Pheles: I would certainly recommend necklaces, sir. Necklace is a most sensuous jewel, especially
when the lady of your heart favours you by allowing you to place it on her neck, thus giving
you the opportunity to closely observe the gem finding its nesting place in her cleavage,
caressed by her...
Faust: OK, make it half a dozen. What about rings?
Pheles: Highly suitable, I must say, sir, particularly the diamond variety, any lady would...
Faust: Fine, a dozen diamond rings and some bracelets, a couple of tiaras, and we mustn’t overlook
earings, at least a dozen pairs, better make it two dozen, all in pure gold.
Pheles: At once, sir. Please sir, allow me to express my admiration of your impeccable style.
Faust: Thank you, Pheles. Oh, before I forget, could you get some nice jewellery box? A silver one,
or better still, platinum, with the inset emeralds, rubies and, of course, more diamonds. How
long is it going to take you to get it all?
Pheles: Here is your platinum jewellery box, inside you’ll find all you have wished for, sir.
(sound of jewellery as he rakes through the box)
Faust: This is wonderful! Thank you. That’s what I call service.
Pheles: Anything else, sir?
Faust: Advice me, please. How would you go about casually offering these jewels to a lady?
Pheles: I would make it appear accidental, sir. You could scatter the jewellery around and then hide
nearby. I would make sure that the lady comes here and finds them. When she has, and while
she’s admiring the gems, you can then come up and offer her this jewellery box, thus
unforcedly revealing your identity as the donor.
Faust: Great. Let’s do it!

The Jewel Song

Meg: Fabulous jewellery! So astoundingly beautiful. I’ve never seen anything like it! Where is
Wagner? I want to see how it would look on her. But we would have to get her properly
dressed too. I’m sure that the doc could arrange for a new wardrobe, with his connections...
Faust: Aren’t you going to try these jewels on yourself? They were meant for you. Here is a box that
goes with them.
Meg: Oh, it’s you. Why did you do it?
Faust: To show my admiration. Do you like it? Please, favour me by allowing me to put this necklace
onto your neck!
Meg: I’d prefer to do it myself. Thank you, all the same. You shouldn’t have. Is this all really mine?
To keep?
Faust: (disappointingly) Certainly.
Meg: Thank you. Oh, here she is!
Faust: Wagner, you are still here! I thought... Where is Mephisto?
Wagner: In the yard, chopping wood. You should see him! He’s taken off his coat and his shirt and he
looks so manly, so masculine, with the sweat running down his...
Meg: Don’t let him bamboozle you. That’s a typical male plot.
Faust: What made him do it? A devil of his standing, and to carry out such a menial task? Anyway,
don’t they have enough fire wood in Hell?
Wagner: He wanted to take a revenge on you, but I talked him out of it and showed him how to
positively employ his negative energies.
Faust: A revenge on me? Why?
Wagner: I think that he might be jealous of you.
Meg: See, Wagner, that too is characteristic of most males. All they want is to possess and possess...
Wagner: No. Meph is not bad, I can feel this. He’s only deluded. He’s a fallen angel, but I’m sure that he
can be saved. Come and have a look at him.
(there is a distant sound of wood chopping, it continues)
Faust: (to himself) Aha, his coat lies over there. What a chance! I can have a look if I could find that
parchment with the contract in the pocket. Let’s see. This must be it! Great! Now I can have
the best of the two worlds, direct access to the Hell’s Customer Service, with no worries about
losing my soul! I mustn’t forget to ask them to restore my youth...
Meg: What is it you have there, doctor?
Faust: Oh, nothing. You haven’t told me yet, did you like the jewellery?
Meg: Who wouldn’t?
Faust: Would you like more?
Meg: What’s the condition?
Faust: Simple. Be more friendly to me, that’s all.
Meg: But I am your friend.
Faust: Not the way I mean it.
Meg: And how do you mean it?
Faust: So that you and I would get closer.
Meg: Is your offer restricted to jewellery?
Faust: Oh, no. I can get anything I want.
Meg: But can you get me anything I want?
Faust: Surely. What would you want?
Meg: Wealth.
Faust: You have it already. This jewellery is worth a fortune.
Meg: I also want power.
Faust: You have power. Over me, to start with.
Meg: And if, for instance, I wanted to be the most powerful person in the world?
Faust: Then, I think, I could arrange it.
(distant wood chopping stops)
Meg: How?
Faust: Simply. With this mobile. All I have to do is call 666.
Wagner: Hey, doc, is this the thing that you’ve...?
Faust: What are you doing here again? I thought your were with Mephisto.
Wagner: I was, but we’ve run out of blocks. Meph looks quite calm now, so I came here to get his coat.
Is that little black thing you’re holding, what you’ve sold your soul for?
Faust: I haven’t sold my soul at all.
Wagner: But I saw you signing, through the key hole.
Faust: Wagner, you must have been mistaken.
Meg: You have told me the same thing, that you are the Doctor Faust, who has sold his soul to the
devil.
Faust: I may have at the time, but this is no longer true. If you don’t believe me, go both of you and
ask Mephisto to produce the contract. You’ll find that he hasn’t got it. That’s because I have it.
Mephisto: No, you don’t!
Faust: Finished with your wood chopping? Yes, I do. Look into the pocket of your coat, and see if
you can find it there.
Mephisto: I don’t have to. I keep it in the pocket in my trousers.
Faust: And what is this?
(reads)

My Wagner, you’re a breath of fresh air
You’re a deep well of pure water
You’pe a fire that consumes my soul
Only to you my love I declare...

... A poem!
Meg: A rather clumsy one, if you ask me.
Wagner: Oh, Meph!
Meg: How romantic...
Wagner: Give it to me, doc. Oh, look, it covers the whole page, it’s so sweet of you, Meph.
Faust: I know what I’ll do now. I’ll ring the Hell’s Customers Service and complain about the
misconduct of one of their field workers!
Meg: Yes, you do just that, doctor, this is a clear case of sexual harassment ... and, how old are you,
Wagner?
Wagner: Seventeen.
Meg: And even worse, of paedophilia! Ring them now!
(three beeps of dialling the phone number)
Telephone: This is 999, the Heavens, Emergency Service...
Faust: What...?! Heavens? Emergency service? Where the hell is the Hell?
Meg: Give it to me! Hallo! Who’s that?
Telephone: This is 999, the Heavens, Emergency Service.
Faust: I was calling 666.
Meg: You must have held it upside down, doctor, when you were punching the number.
Hallo, you are the Emergency Service, are you? This is an emergency. I need help! Could you
get me out of here? I am a twentieth century person, who’s been stranded in the sixteenth
century.
Telephone: Would you give us your precise location, please?
Meg: I don’t know, I’m in the yard of the house of doctor Faust.
Telephone: That should do. Do you carry any luggage?
Meg: Why do you ask?
Telephone: Because of the Customs regulations.
Meg: Just one tiny little box.
Telephone: We’ll be dispatching the heavenly troops as soon as possible.

March of the Soldiers - Gloire immortelle

(the volume of music is turned down as Mephisto speaks)
Mephisto: So this is how it all ended. The troops marched in, to hoist Marguerite back into the 20th
century. I have heard that she has since quit her job as a departmental adviser on women’s
affairs and lives now a life of opulence in her luxurious villa on Jamaica.
I had used the opportunity to ask the Heavens for a political asylum. My application went
through a lengthy bureaucratic process, but eventually I was granted a refugee status, with the
condition that I remain in the Purgatory for a certain length of time. This is where I presently
reside, living in a de-facto relationship with Wagner. We plan to marry, though, as the
heavenly authorities frown on couples who have not legalised their mutual commitments, and
we do want to keep open the option of migrating in due time.
Doctor Faust had made a number of complaints to the Hell’s Customers Service, which went
generally unheeded, but eventually his mobile phone had run out of batteries which, of course,
in the 16th century he found impossible to replace. It is rumoured, though, that he is working
on another formula which, as he expects, will help him to re-establish the connection. I still
have the original contract that he had signed, but it would have now lost its validity as a legal
document, because on it I have written another of my many poems. I wonder, would anyone
know about some publisher?

Pheles: If you want a publisher, you should be looking in the other place.
Mephisto: Pheles! What are you doing here?
Pheles: What do you think? I’m staying in the refugee camp.
Mephisto: Did you ...
Pheles: Yes, I did.
Mephisto: Good old Pheles... Great to see you! You look ... different... there is ... something’s missing ...
I’ve got it! It’s you laptop computer. Did you leave it in Hell?
Pheles: Are you crazy? Naturally, I took it with me. You should have seen the smiles on the faces of
Secret Service people, as I was handing it over to them! They reckon that this will help their
cause no end.
Mephisto: It won’t help ours, I’m afraid. Weren’t there sizeable files on us too? Now they’ve got them,
we can kiss the Heavens goodbye forever.
Pheles: Do you think me stupid or something? Of course that I’ve deleted all files that could have in
any way incriminated us. Come to think of it, what I have done is that I’ve deleted all our sins!
Mephisto: As simple as that...
Both: Heavens, here we come!!!

Gloire immortelle comes back, with the credits

THE END